Crazy Collections

That's right! Today we are talking about crazy stuff people like to hoard like it's going to be worth millions of dollars some day! People's collections (not to be confused with those crazy people that call and harass other persons for not taking care of a certain financial obligation, I know, they are "just doing their job") these are collections, or a group of items which have something in common. What makes them crazy is, it's really not worth anything!

For example, one type of collection which may be semi crazy is the hording of bottle caps! I'm not talking about the fancy metal ones like in the image I've posted. I'm talking the plastic caps which can come off of soda pop, bottled water or any other plastic container. I know, some of these caps have "secret codes" on the inside where someone might win a special prize, like a pair of Adidas Response 16 running shoes! But most caps do not! Worthless!

Even better, someone might decide to collect gum. No, not the wonderfully wrapped gum that comes in that small piece of metal MacGyver uses to defuse a bomb. We are talking ABC Gum! (For those of you that did not participate in grade school lingo, or cannot remember that far back, ABC Gum is Already Been Chewed Gum!) I know, CRAZY! People think they are collecting some great reward, but in fact it is nothing more that some rubbery-(which eventually gets super hard) -sugarless-gunk swarming with the original owners DNA. Unless it was swapped during tonsil hockey. (Ok, so if you don't know what that grade school lingo is, head back to grade school!)

Now for one the most craziest examples of collections is...

Sample Credit Cards! No, not the real ones people actually use to incur insurmountable debt obligations causing other persons to possibly call and harass for some type of payment to repay the owed dough. Nope, we are talking fake ones. You know the ones, which look like real ones, sent to the world so everyone can get in debt! Sometimes they come in as a thick paper type, others are actually plastic and others can even been tossed upon the refrigerator, yep, magnets!

So next time you look at throwing some crazy thing away, think "One person's junk, is another person's treasured junk." Matter of fact, the crazy thing is always going to be junk!

Crazy Rice Fat

Rice, a grain. Part of the Poaceae or "Ture Grass" family. Many people around the world eat this delectable treat! It can be a breakfast food (rice cereal or even added to a breakfast burrito!) It can be a lunch food (Rice-a-Roni.) It can be a dinner (rice with hamburger gravy). It can even been a friend to talk to when lonely (Rice Crispies!) It's just crazy what you can do with rice!

I think rice makes you fat! That's right, FAT! Now understand I have no BYU Studies to back me up on this one, nor any other university studies to support my claim. All I have is common sense. Now you may argue common "sense" can't pay for a snack (rice cakes) but it sure can make change!

Now let's take a good look at a country just South of the country I live in. Or I guess you could say it's just West of the Gulf of Mexico (not to give any specific names of countries, I wouldn't want to offend anyone.) Anyway, what do they eat a lot of just South of the boarder? That's right! Rice and beans!

Now one may speculate, "Maybe it's the beans that make one large in stature." Well, I point out example two. Sumo Wrestlers! They are no small fry! (Ham fried rice!) They are large and in charge. Some would say they like to help their friends (and foes) step out of their social circle. Anyway, what do Sumo Wrestlers eat plenty of? You guessed it, RICE!

So maybe what I'm getting at is there is a fat secreted from the tiny morsel that clings to the inside of people to make them even larger! I know it sounds crazy, but maybe, just maybe, my suspicions will be supported by a university study someday. Someday!

Transit Crazy

I think one of the biggest fears for people taking mass transit; you know buses, trains (TRAX is what they call it in Salt Lake City), the subway, etc., is there might be some crazy person riding with you, or some homeless person. Well let me tell you, I do ride public transportation on a regular basis and sure enough, those fears are very much a reality! There are crazy people everywhere on public transportation!

Some crazy people on the train are easy to spot. They look dingy, smell funny, and one eye is looking out the window and the other eye is focused on you! Real creepy like! Most people on the train avoid sitting next to them, so lets say you are running late and you rush to get on the train before it leaves, realizing everyone else has already nabbed the prime seats (my favorite being the lone seat). So you get stuck sitting near the crazy person.

Without fail, I'd say 85% of the time (once again I remind you 23% of statistics are made up on the spot) anyway 82% of the time the crazy person asks all persons around them for some cash. It's never a check or money order, just cash. Now they usually are very creative in the reason as to why they need the cash. It could be because they are diabetic and need some short change to to buy some milk until they get paid on the following weekend. Or it could be some change to buy some denture adhesive in anticipation to losing their last tooth next weekend and getting dentures! That is the very reason I don't carry any type of small change on me. I've got dentures of my own to anticipate!

Now you need to understand, there are some crazy people on the train which are not so easy to spot. They look like normal people. But this brings up a whole new topic of discussion. What is normal? Let's go back to the typical crazy guy on the train, you know the bi-directional viewer. What if he was born that way, then in his mind that is normal. It is they way he has been his whole life. Therefore, cutting this discussion topic short, one would ascertain that in fact there is no such thing as normal and everyone is crazy! It works for me!

So if you ever muster up enough courage to take a delightful trip on public transportation, just beware of the crazy people! They are everywhere! It could even be you everyone is avoiding and the late guy has to sit next to! So when thinking about crazy, take a good, long, hard look in the mirror first, you might even spot an anticipated zit!

Shocking n' Crazy

So there have been several times in my life at which I can remember being jolted with electricity. It's not a very pleasant thing to be shocked and even just thinking about it makes me want to curl up in a little ball and cry like a three year old. (I would have said cry like a baby, but babies usually cry because they are hungry or wet or they are tired. You feel none of these when you get shocked! And I figured a three year old usually cries when it gets hurt, you know hurt is what it feels like to get shocked.)

Well my earliest recollection of being shocked is when I was probably around six years of age. We, my family, were visiting somebody my parents knew (probably a distant relative.) Anyway, they had animals at their place. Not "animals" like you are a crazy and wild person, but "animals" as in sheep. I think that is what they had, can't remember too well, that far back (it might be because of my shocking experiences.) And as you may or may not know, the coolest thing for keeping live stock fenced up is an electrical fence. This particular fence was only about a foot or so off the ground (that makes me believe they didn't have cows, cows could step right over that.) Well the kid which was around my age took me exploring around the yard and we had to cross the "force field"! Well as I followed this kid around. He stepped on the wire, with his shoe, and crossed safely. Well I did like wise and barely stepped on the wire and the wire shot up from the ground, where I thought it was snug under my shoe and it hit me where it really hurts. You know, the inner thigh, nothing too vital! I remember rolling to the ground and crying like a three year old. A practice a little more acceptable for a six year old than a 28 year old.

I never wanted to experience that again. Well low and behold, a few years later (like 20, I have had a couple other shocking experiences between then, none so notable to tell now) I had entered the law enforcement workforce. Well as part of the privilege of being law enforcement, you get to pack around an electronic gun which has the ability to shoot two barbed prongs (mine goes 25 feet) and these prongs enable the foe. So in the training on how to use these Tasers, one gets the opportunity, or privilege, to experience this enabling. Yes, I did so. It was shocking! Although I felt like I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry like a three year old, I maintained professionalism and cried when I got home!

So my latest experience of being shocked, unfortunately was not by choice. To make a long story short, while minding my own business this past weekend, my heart decided to beat a little different. It's like it heard music and couldn't decide if it wanted to dance the Salsa, the Cha Cha or the Quick Step and moved freely between each dances. Hence, we decided it would be a good idea to see a doctor. I went to an insta care near my home and then was sent to the big hospital! The ER doctor said it was not good for my heart to want to dance all those dances at the same time (it would probably get voted off SYTYCD). It was decided the best way to tell my heart to settle down and dance the Tango, was to give it a nice jolt! Well, I took a nap and they shocked me. The nurse told me that right after I was shocked, I said, "Ohhhhh, man. That hurt!"

Anyway, so when life doesn't always go your way and it throws some crazy joules come back with a "So watt!"

Birthday Crazy

Birthdays, ah! Everyone has them, even though I know there are some people in this world that have decided not to celebrate them. Fact of the matter, everyone has a day where they can go crazy and celebrate their own existence!

Well I've been asked in the past, how many birthdays does the average person have? Well there's a good answer, and I like it. The answer is one! Yep, just one! You are only born once and therefore you only have one day of birth, or birthday as we like to call them. The rest of the time, as you approach that annual date, you celebrate the day and therefore all other date are celebrations and not, in fact, a day of birth. There!

Now birth of persons are not the only thing people celebrate. Some people celebrate the birth of their animals. You know, cats, dogs, birds etc. (I can't think of anyone I know who has celebrated the day of an ant's birthday, and I know people who have ant farms!) People also celebrate the birth of nations. Like the good old US of A celebrated on July 4th! And as a matter of fact, Argentina celebrates their independence, or birth, today, July 9!

You never see anyone, or at least I have not, celebrating the date of the birth of a pimple or wart. Nor have I seen people celebrating the birth of foot fungi or an itchy rash. But I have see people celebrate the birth of shaving! Or the lack of! You know, "I've had this mustache for 15 years now! And there ain't nobody going to tell me I have to shave!"

One last thing, birthday celebrations are really just another way to celebrate Mother's Day. I mean when it comes down to it, you are born because she carried you around for months on end (around nine if you are unaware of that process) and then, unless your mother was as lucky as mine was with me, your mother spent hours in labor (which makes me wonder if that is another day to celebrate mothers, Labor Day) hopefully your mom didn't suffer too long. Because once you came out, you were a handful, but that's a different blog.

So if your birthday is today, and you are reading this, someone call the Guinness Book of World Records because someone just born and able to read has to be some kind of miracle. (Side note: If this statement surprised you, then you need to be more attentive when reading the earlier material.) But, if your birthday celebration is today, 364 days from today, or any day in between, please, go crazy and celebrate! I mean, come on! It's you we're celebrating!

Crazy Hot Cars

Summer time has arrived and that means "Bring on the Heat!" Not the heat that I get to pack around day-to-day, but the sizzling heat of 100 degree Fahrenheit (37.78 degrees Celsius for those of you not forced to acclimate to Fahrenheit). That kind of heat for weeks on end can drive a person crazy! Just look at those person's from Arizona, they are almost always crazy, especially during those blasted summer months (you know, you get anything past 110 degrees and it all feels the same, but at least its a dry heat!)

So these scorching temperatures can cause the vehicles we drive in to get hotter on the inside than it is outside. So, let's say you get to drive around a black car, you know, supped up! It looks hot! Not the temperature hot, but hot like "Oh baby, got to have one of those so I can get all the girls kind of hot, like the batmobile!" Yeah, it make look great and get the girls, but when your car has been sitting in the parking lot, oh for about eight hours, that's what most people work in a day! The inside of your car can become a flaming inferno!

So when you sit inside this unsuspected oven, first your poor tushy gets a torching, usually resulting in an upward collision of your head and the roof of your car; only adding to the pain! Once your bum has realized it's now ready to be the toasted buns of a whopper of a hamburger, then you can get the keys into the ignition. But you have to be careful not to nudge your finger on the signal stick, taking you back to the first time you ignored the warnings of your mother not to touch the hot burner on the stove! Once out of shock, you can gently get the air conditioning going. But that usually gives you a false sense of security of everything is going to be all right. Because once your shift into gear and reach for the round steering device your hands are once again sent into a blistering outcry and are usually followed by some choice words from your mouth. Usually something like, "Heavens to Mergatroid!" or "Great googally moogally!" or one that makes my mother blush, "Holy Freak!"

Do you think Batman ever experiences these dilemmas? That's probably why he wears those gloves and thick suit!

I have figured the solution to these blazing problems is everyone needs to adapt their car to time travel. Time travel makes a car cool! Not cool like pop your collar, roll your pants to show your Converse cool, but ice cold, freezer cool. Everyone knows once your car comes back from the future, it's a refrigerated bliss. So get traveling!

So remember, keep your cool and wear a black suit with black gloves, or travel in time. You are bound to break the crazy heat wave!

Crazy Clip

Have you looked at a paperclip lately. Who came up with that crazy design? Well since I asked I found out it was patented by Johan Vaaler in 1899 and then again in 1901. The guy was from Norway, so I guess it's now like a national symbol!

What I thought was really interesting is he patented it twice! I can see it now, I mean if they had TV commercials back then, "Coming soon to a store near you! Spring 1899! It's the paper clip! What does it do you ask! Well, it clips papers together! That's it! No more worrying about what are you going to do with all these loose papers, clip them!" I'm sure the first models only came in one color, steel gray.

Then in 1901 it came out, "You like the paper clip so much, Johan Vaaler has come out with new and improved model! No more clips with just two bends, it now has three! Triple the holding capacity! Take them everywhere, they're fantastic!"

Paper clips are probably very under appreciated. There's no special holiday to celebrate their arrival, at least in the United States (possibly in Norway). But paper clips are seen everywhere! On top of office desks across the nation, crammed in drawers, kicked under tables, buried deep in the Ugly Chair, and yes, believe it or not, they can be seen holding millions of papers world wide!

But the business and home scene are not the only places where the crazy little piece of metal with three curves appears! If you can remember, the paper clip has made it's way to the Big Screen and broadcast to families globally! Where does this happen, I will give you a couple examples. One of the most recognizable scenes for a paper clip was in 1990 with Gremlins Two! That's right, for those that remember Gizmo takes the paper clip and becomes Rambo!

And how can one ever forget, the ever so talented MacGyver! Man the paper clip became a big hero with reoccuring roles! The paper clip has saved many lives. Now one would say MacGyver was the true hero, but come on, sometimes a hero is only as good as his tools, and espically only if he knows how to use them. The paper clip is so flexable, it will pretty much do anything!

So as you go throughout your day, accomplishing the many dutiful tasks you are asked to do, no matter if it's your boss asking you, your spouse or loved one, or even if you are stuck on the roof of a 13 story building and all you have to get down is some dental floss and a paper clip. Remember, that little three bent metal is there for you! It's there to hold that report together so your boss and tell you how many spelling and grammar errors there are! It's there to help scrape the gum off the kitchen floor because your children got into your purse and pulled out your gum and chewed it for a mere three minutes and now is stuck with food particles to the linoleum. And yes, the paper clip is there so you can strap it over the dental floss and slid your way to safety.

So let's hear it for the paper clip! It's crazy what that thing can do!

Legal notice: Paper clip is a brand name for Paper Clip Co. In no way should the paper clip be used for anything other than to clip papers. Using the paper clip beyond it's indented use could result in, but not limited to: tooth ache, tummy ache, angry spouses, broken bones, lacerations, and even possible loss of life. Paper Clip Co. does not take responsibility for any act beyond it's intended use.

Crazy n' Lost

I hate losing things! Not knowing where some things are just drives me bonkers! For example, if I can't find my cellular phone, I go ballistic! And now you may say, "Well, duh! Why don't you just call your phone? This is a good question at which I have a couple answers.

First, how do you expect me to call my lost phone when I don't have a phone, remember it's lost! OK, OK, there may be other persons around me to call my phone. So the second thing is, my phone is always on vibrate. So unless I crank up my superb listening skills (just ask my wife) the lost phone will continue to be lost; unless it's somehow taken off the island or dies!

Anyway, I usually end up finding it in my favorite chair, The Ugly Chair, lost in the deep abyss underneath the cushion. Or sometimes the couch has swallowed it along with several coins, some French Fries, two used crayons and billions of crumbs from food eaten on the couch as opposed to the kitchen table, where food should be consumed.

Back to losing things. There was one time when I lost a G. I. Joe action figure and I could not find it; hence I used the term lost. No this wasn't last week either. Anyway, as I was looking for it, eventually I found it. I was so excited I went to tell my mom I had found it. Of course in my quest to find the missing Joe, I questioned those around me, including my mother. Not that I suspected her as one who would take such objects, but possibly she would have great insight and intelligence as to where I may have misplaced the item.

Elated to once again return to playing, I told my mother of the find. She was talking with her sister, I think they were at the kitchen table, not important, but my aunt said to me, "Hey Billy, why is it when you are looking for something it is always in the last place you look?"

Boy, I was stumped! I seriously did not have a clue, and I am a quick one when it comes to wit, or at least I think so. She delayed slipping me the punch line just long enough to leave me with a glistening forehead, she then said, "It is because once you find the item you are looking for, you stop searching!" Man, oh man, I thought that was great!

Can you guess what I did? Well no need to guess further, I shall tell you. I turned around and searched one more spot for that missing toy. And it wasn't there! I know, crazy! But I got to report back to my enduring aunt and told her I did not find the toy in the last place I looked, "So there!"

From that moment forward, I have almost always (something around 98.2 percent, side note: 35 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.) I have almost always checked at least one other spot before calling the search party over; sometimes two spots if I'm feeling adventurous!

So if you are ever faced with a wise crack, not unlike my aunt, and they feed you that line of baloney, you can turn to them and reply, "Not always so!" So when life thinks you've hit the apex of craziness, punch it and go the extra mile, or kilometer if you are reading this outside the United States.

Crazy Circle

I usually make pancakes Saturday morning. I have a nice griddle and lots of pancake mix! I like to spray the griddle with PAM Spray first. Well I noticed there was a little cut circle on top of the PAM Spray cap. Yes, on the cap, there was this tiny hole.

It was actually a circle cut out of it and the little circle was held on by very little pieces of the cap still attached to the circle. I went to touch it last Saturday and the little circle popped into the cap, still hanging on by a little piece of the cap.

I have no idea why it is there. The can didn't explode when I pushed the circle. There wasn't confetti thrown over my head and horns blown to tell my I won some grand prize. Nor did an alarm sound, alerting some security breach had happened. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing!

So I'm not sure why it is there. But I do know I broke the one on the cap of my PAM Spray and nothing happened. So maybe the PAM company can put some tiny writing on the circle as to why it's there. Maybe something like, "This Circle may not be removed under penalty of law except by the consumer." Or "This Circle has been placed here for environmental protection." I don't know. Something would be nice.

Anyway, lesson learned, don't mess with circles you don't know about because someday you may mess with a circle of angry soccer moms! You may end up with a crazy eye!